i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
