I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize