Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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