I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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