Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
