My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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