just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
