I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
