I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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