So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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