I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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