is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
