so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I supernannyed him into submission
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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