My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize