I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
