There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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