I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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