you would pick up someone in the library
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
