You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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