Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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