I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
