you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
