Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize