the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
