you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
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