so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
