He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
