A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
