New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
