if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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