ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
