DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
