I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
