New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
