if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
