Umm I'm too high to move.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
honey bunches of taint.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
