first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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