Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
