I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
