In America we eat man semen.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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