So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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