I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize