maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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