just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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