My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize