my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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