highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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