I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
