I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
