Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize