How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
