Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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