she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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