Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
