I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
