Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
