Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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