i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
