It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
