and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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