How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
