Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
smell my finger.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
