I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
