guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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