hell yes lets make some ravioli
too bad you live with your parents still
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
